The Implausible Yet True Stories of Ransom Fortune "Cock of the Walk"

The Implausible Yet True Stories of Ransom Fortune
"Cock of the Walk"

I'm playing a gig with my band Sitting Wolf at the Sheephole Inn.Over
eight people tonight, our largest crowd yet. Suddenly Gerry Go Berry the Base player stops playing.

"Gerry whats wrong? why did you stop playing?"

Gerry throws the guitar down and it shatters like glass. He rips his face off and I see it. The Green and black hockey mask. Doomsmith found me. I try to run but he grabs me by the throat.

"Arrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

"Senor please you are hurting Miguel."

I'm holding a Mexican child by the throat.

"Many apologies children."

"No need to apologize Senor, we were concerned as you were asleep
behind this dumpster and this is not a safe neighborhood."

Asleep in another alley. I thought after meeting with my mentor
Palisades Finale I could finally return to my life. Instead I cross the
border into Mexico. Sleep in another alley. Have another nightmare
about Doomsmith. One night I dreamed I was at my mothers funeral
and he emerged from the casket and chokeslammed me into a furnace.

"Senor Fortune we would like to show you around our neighborhood. It
is not every day a famous celebrity visits."

"Sure kids no problem."

Walking around and looking at this poverty tells me how fortunate so
many of us are. Ransom Note Industries support many charities but it
never seems to be enough. I personally cook thanksgiving for poor
families in LA. But not every day is Thanksgiving. It is every
day life that is the struggle.

"Manny look who it is. It is Ransom Fortune."

"sniff..........sniff........"

"But Manny you love Ransom Fortune. You saw Fortune Soldier 3
twenty times.

"Pecky is gone. Pecky Connor is gone sniff."

"Who is Pecky?"

"That is his pet rooster.He has had him since before he was born."

"I know the bad men took him like all the other chickies."

"Manny you do not know that."

"I do do I do I do......."

Little dude just ran inside crying.

"Say kids how bout I go look for Pecky."

"But Senor you are just a athlete, musician, movie star, chef, diplomat,
talk show host and occasional columnist for Time magazine. How will
you be able to find Pecky and fight the banditos?"

"You leave that to me little guys."

So I put on another hat. That of detective. I think of what Wristlock
Holmes would do. He would talk to other people who have been robbed of
their poultry. Well for most of them the chicken they lost were not pets.

Some were food and some were for cock fighting. Can't say I approve of
cock fighting. I might run a chain of fried chicken restaurants but they are treated humanely and not killed for blood lust.

The robberies only seem to be occurring in this area. Best thing to do is
set up a trap. I take the last 100 dollars I earned doing day labor up in
LA and buy a fighting cock. I put it out in the Sanchez's yard and I wait.

Around five AM I see some youngish looking guy come up and grab the
chicken. Does not even have a car just a basket on a bike. Be easy enough to keep up with him on foot.


I get to what looks like an abandoned chicken plant. I sneak inside and
what I see sickens me. These animals are being cut open or injected
with chemicals. On the other side is a dojo full of chickens........

Training to fight....... One rooster just did what looks like a suplex to
another then stabs it with a rubber safety talon. Before I can step in
and stop this I lose consciousness.



********

Owww my head hurts. Someone was able to blind side me and gave me
a big knot on the back of my head.

"Well well well. If it isn't Ransom Fortune. Never thought in a million
years I would see you here."

"Do I know you?"

"Don't suppose a legend like you would. I'm Harry Acorn, I was the
Champion of Altoona Championchip wrestlin in Altoona Alabama."

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"No why would you remember one of the people you ruined. My ACW
was top of the heap once.drawing fifty or heck even sixty fans a week.

Why at Altoonafest 77 we drew 100 fans. Well 99 but my mom was
selling soda and that made 100."

"Untie me now. You will not like it if I free myself."

"I would a like to see you try, that there is genuine Mexican clothing rope."

Getting mad I can feel my blood pumping. Soon I would have my hands
around his neck. But for now I want to see where this goes.

"So how was I did I ruined you."

"Not just you but that Sergent Sargent,that Tyranos, that Elvis
Wrestley all of you in WAVE ruined me. People said my wrestlin was
cheap on accounta me being 5ft1. Even the ones who hated WAVE just
watched that AWOL and that fancy $extillion $inclaire."


"Look buddy can you explain how this leads to me being tied up in an
abandoned chicken plant/cock fighting dojo?"

"Well I figured if I came to Mexico the competition in them Lucha
Leagues would be easier. But they would not use me and the ones that
did put me in the mini division. I was stuck in Mexico. But that is
when I discovered cock fighting. I mean sure we had that sorta thing in
Alabama. But here it is an art form and I became the top cockfight
promoter south of the border."

Oh for the love of god.

"But I knew if I wanted to over take WAVE and W*RE I needed bigger
cocks, stronger cocks, cocks that could go all day and all night. Cocks
that could take a beating."

Okay I've heard enough and I snap the ropes.

"Alright you worm I've had it with you. I want all these cocks freed
right now!!!"

As I'm about to grab him by the throat I hear something. The guy who
hit me with the pipe earlier. Thought he could take down Ransom
Fortune the same way twice. I duck and clobber the kid with the
Fortune Teller. Kid is out cold, I used too much force. He's wearing a
cheap Hellitosis knock off mask. I turn my attention to Harry Acorn
but I feel something go in my back. Its a tranq dart.

"You gotta be kidding me. My super vitamins are stronger than this!!!!"

I knock Harry out with a right cross but not before getting hit with five
more darts.

"Oh motherfu........"

********

I wake up again. this time I'm in the arena. Wearing some sorta loin
cloth. I can hear the announcer speaking in Spanish.

"Senors and Senoritas we welcome you to super fight of the century.
WAVE vs BattleCocks!!!!"

BattleCocks?

"In the ring he is the WAVE Omniversal Champion Ransom
Fortune!!!!!!!!!"

I'm fighting a chicken. Trying to process this, when music starts with strobe lights and fireworks.

"From Hell's Nest Satanico El Pollo!!!!!!"

My god that is the biggest cock I have ever seen. A five foot five 300
pound rooster comes thru the curtain. It is wearing a devil's lucha
mask. It has giant metal talons. .

"Ding!!!!!!"

The cock tackles me into the wall. I put it in a front face lock and start
hitting it in the back with overhead clubbing blows. The cock grabs me
by my shorts and suplexes me. I don't know what they did to this
thing. Looks like it got pumped with every bit of steroids and HGH the
country of Mexico could supply.

"SLASH!!!!!!"

Arrgghhhh.... While I was feeling pity this thing tried to eviscerate me.
This is a death match. I do not want the last memory of me to be dieing from being penetrated by a giant cock. I hit the thing with a big foot to the face. Followed by several punches. The creature is bleeding and It's beak is broken now.

It flies at me with both talons out but I narrowly escape at the last
second. One of its talons is stuck in the wall. I run and hit it with the
Fortune Teller. The cock's foot is freed from the talon. I notice the foot
has a black birth mark on it. As it struggles to get off the ground. It is
ready to lunge at me again but I hit it with my Ransom Note knee
drop..

I look at it mangled and suffering. I can tell it is on the verge of a
massive heart attack. Letting it live like this would be cruel. I free its
lost talon from the wall and cut its throat quickly.
The bell does not ring but I see Harry Acorn holding his video camera
trying to get away. The anger in me is rising.

"HEY!!!!!!!!!!!"

"......."

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!?! YOU JUST GOT A
RANSOM NOTE!!!!!!!"

He hits me with his camcorder but I don't feel it. I hit him with the
Fortune Teller and he collapses in a bloody heap. His workers are
actually cheering me on. I hit him with the Ransom Note. I consider
giving him the same fate as Satan the Chicken but living his life is punishment enough.


*******

I return the chickens to their rightful owners. Except for the ones that were
involved in cockfighting.

"Where is Pecky, Senor Fortune?"

"You mean he's not here?"

"No my Pecky had a black birthmark on her foot."

I'm not going to tell the child the whole story. I just explained it died.

"I hate you Ransom Fortune, I hate you!!!!"

I give the family all the money I took from Harry Acorn. More than
enough for the family to live comfortably for the next few years.